Someday...

There aren't many things I'd rather do...

Thinking about Zach a lot tonight. This seemed fitting. (Found in one of Zach's High School notebook...)

Three guys and a frozen pool

Lined Paper Enigma

Is this page white with blue stripes?
     Or are they lines?
Or, is this a blue page with white bars?
     Or are they stripes?
Is this a page with three holes in it?
     Or three holes with paper around them?
Is there a one-inch margin at the top?
     Or is it at the bottom?
Or, is this a pink page with blue
     and white stripes?
          Or are they lines?

Alexa's Room (written 2-9-96)

I hear my name being called frantically, "Zach! Zach!" I rush into Alexa's room. "I dropped my pencil," she wails. "Will you pick it up for me?" I give her the pencil along with one of my I'm -gonna-kill-you-someday looks. She grins and says, "Just kidding. I really wanted you to see my glow-in-the-dark stickers I made." She turns out the lights. Her ceiling light is decorated with stars and comets and so are her walls. "Coo--ool!", I say. She flicks the light back on, and, since I need a break anyway, I flop down on her bed to visit for a minute and start to really look around. Her matching comforter and window curtains are mottled shades of pale maroon, blue, gray, green, and tan. They blend perfectly with the flroal wallpaper and silver-toned carpet. (I'm glad she doesn't go for a lot of pink and prissy stuff or I'd never set foot in here.) Looking around, I realize she has two calendars hanging up. At first this seems strange, but then I understand: they are whale calendars. She also has a poster of Freewilly on the wall beside her closet. Her desk has been straightened up. The book, Hard Drive by Bill Gates and three computer disks are on her desk along with an autograph book with a picture of a cat on it, three pictures of her best friends, and another picture of the same friends at Busch Gardens. If you could look in her closet, you would see a bucket decorated with cat pictures and a cat calendar. On top of her chest-of-drawers and on her bookshelf are her stuffed cats, Sassy, Prissy, Sassyfras, Little Hershey Kiss, Crystal the wolf, a dolphin, Flipper, and Nala, the lioness. A stack of tapes, including Michael W. Smith, Lion King, and Free Willy, sit on her night table with a WalkMan she listens to while she falls asleep at night. Most people like to look at her display of Girl Scout memorabilia she has arranged on her bulletin board. Pinned in the middle is her green Girl Scout vest with all the patches she's earned. All around that are pictures from her Girl Scout troop's trip to Busch Gardens and photos from Girl Scout camps and other trips. Suddenly, I realize I've made a mistake, I've stayed in her room too long. "Zach, get out of my room! What jerk called you in here anyway?"

If I die here tonight, I know my soul is with you.

Surely then I will be judged tonight
Surely I’m a little scared tonight
Surely now the sheep and goats are split upon the
Threshing floor tonight

Lord, you are my only good, I will hold to you
Should the fires of hell sear and singe me
Lord, you are my protector
I will hold to the fold of your robe
Should the devil himself come to claim me

And if I die here tonight, I know my soul is with you.
I’m sure about the promises you’ve made.

-The Supertones

Walking, walking differently....

The following piece was written in January 1998 for a Writing Club assignment. Zach would have been in the 6th grade and he was being home-educated.

Every day, well almost every day, we work out on the treadmill in our home gym. There are a lot of things to do on the gym equipment, but the treadmill isn't the most fun thing to do. While I was running on the treadmill once, I was trying to think what would make it more interesting. Something, uh, different. Then it hit me, not an idea, the light fixture above my head! Oh, well, I got my mile in; maybe, I'll think of something to make running on the treadmill fun tomorrow.

The next day: I think I got it; I decided to take my time doing my mile walking, walking backwards! I know what you may be thinking, "What kind of stupid, retarded, idiot without-any-brains-person would do that?" That is exactly what my sister thought. I soon found out that walking backwards was more difficult than I thought; the backs of my legs were soon aching. My sister said that I could never do it and that it was the most outrageous thing I had ever tried. Well, not the most because there was the time my friend and I rolled a 500-lb haybale down a steep hill, through a fence, and onto a road and got in serious trouble with the farmer who'd baled the hay, but that was a few years back and has nothing to do with this writing assignment. When I got off the treadmill, I thought about where and when I could walk backwards next.

The real challenge is walking backwards in a room where you can trip over things or run into people, etc. When walking backwards on the treadmill, you don't have to worry about running into things and it's safer than walking outside too where the ground can be uneven. I experimented in these situations. Outside, I found it is better to take long strides, keeping your feet just above the ground. If the ground is bumpy this will help. One thing long strides don't help with though is preventing you from falling into the huge holes left on our property, which was originally a nursery, where shrubs were dug out and sold to someone. You could actually break a leg falling into one of them. You can just imagine that, right? For indoors backwards walking, you need to lean the upper part of your body forward so that the balls of your feet steady you even if your heels touch something unforeseen on the floor.

At first I thought that walking a mile backwards was difficult; but now, I can walk backwards at about 3.4 miles per hour while also chewing gum, laughing at jokes, telling my sister to be quiet, studying the "Snakes of Pennsylvania" wall chart, and wondering when my Dad will get home. I'm thinking about starting a "Backwards Walkers of America" club. No one in my family has taken me seriously yet and if they don't come around soon, I may try walking sideways or maybe while spinning in circles. Blah.

Note: You may have wondered why that "blah" is stuck at the end of my paper. I was one word short of 470 words so I added "blah," but now I have 517 words so there was absolutely no point in putting that "blah" there afterall.

I Realized Something Today...

April 27, 2005 (Right before he first left for Italy)

I realized something today. I realized that I am going to be in harm's way more so than I have ever been in my life. I realized that I am going to be in another country for the next 2 or 3 years, and I am going to be in the desert several times within that time period.

I realized that, while hopefully unlikely, that this may be the last time I see home. I realized that I may die over there. I realized that I may end up in an article in the newspaper - one last time.

I don't know exactly what it's going to be like, I don't know if I'll ever have to go tearing across the desert in a convoy looking for a downed plane, if I'll be in a foxhole during a mortar attack, or if I'll be near a home-made bomb when it goes off. Granted that I'm not in the Army or Marine Corps, nor is it my primary job to be the one actually out hunting terrorists down. I will, however, carry an M-16 with me while I'm deployed in the desert, because it is dangerous there, and there are real-life threats that could ultimately take my life.

Then, I realized something else; I realized that this is no different than any other day. I realized that...

(sic., that's where he stopped writing)

Hourglass

Would you still have chosen me...?

Zach wrote this song, one of his earliest (2001 or 2002), and I always wanted him to play it for me. The chords to this are somewhere... I still remember how it went if anyone ever wants to hear it -- it was mellow and thoughtful.

I don't want this to be just another empty song
I need you and I have known it all along
So why did I leave you, why did I run away?
But even in all my doubts you knew I'd be back someday

Where has the light gone, I cannot go on
I tried to run my own race, but fallen down without your grace
I cannot live this way or make it through another day
I cannot live this way or make it through... another day

I didn't think I needed you, didn't think I wanted to
Follow what you had for me, I ran and thought that I was free
I tried to do it on my own, but now I'm lost and so alone
Lost in my world of sin, but you still will take me in

What are you looking for? What do you hope to find?
Would you still have chosen me, if you'd known ahead of time
How much I am missing, how much that I don't have
Would you still have reached down for the burden of my hand?

And if I should die...

Given and Taken

August 6, 2005 (Zach's 20th Birthday)

"You give and take away, you give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name"

This is what I am determined to live my life by in the 20th year:

Everything I have, God has given to me, and everything that I have lost, God has taken from me - all according to His will, and I will thank him for both.

Every opportunity I have, every person in my life, every skill or talent, every longing I have is from God. God has given me the chance to live and work in Italy for 2 years. He's given me the chance to see and do things that most people will never be able to see or do in their life, they only dream about them and see them in movies. Wheter I like it or not, I have to deal with people every day, there's no escaping it. Some of them are easier to deal with than others. I thank God for the friends and other strong Christians that he's brought into my life, I thank him for the chance to witness to those that are lost, and there are many of them. I ask God for wisdom and tactfulness in dealing with the people in my life that I may not exactly enjoy being around. But God has given them to me, He has put them in my life, and that in itself is enough for me to see that there is a reason. There may not be many things that I am exceptionally tallented in, but nonetheless I still love to do. God has given me the ability to do these things, and I will use them to give back to Him what I can.

But I will not only rejoice in the things that God has given from me, I will also praise Him for the things that He has taken. He's taken me from my home, He's taken relationships from me. Some of my freedoms He's taken away by putting me in the Air Force.

It seems to me, however, that God does not take away without giving something back.

He took me from my home - but gave me the chance to see the world.

And some things He gave to me for a time, but never intended it to last on this world. Please, God, help me to accept that. Some things were only meant to last for a season, and that's the end of it.